He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
