just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
