I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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