Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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