I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
