My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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