And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
