Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
