Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
