Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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