I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
