I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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