you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
