I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
