I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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