You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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