I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
