I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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