Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
