Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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