Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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