Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize