Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
