Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
