He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
