dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
