I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
