I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize