Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My dad just said "fuck circus"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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