I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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