I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
