Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
