you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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