Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
