An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
