If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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