im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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