Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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