in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
