what day is it and did you see me today?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
