By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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