and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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