Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
