dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
