One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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