WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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