Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
