dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
