I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
