i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize