Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
