I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
