i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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