he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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