We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
