i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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