I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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